Help for When You Are Grieving

Grieving the death of a loved one often involves intensely painful emotions. Waves of grief may come and go with varying intensity over months or years. It may feel that the pain will never end. Most people find that, over the course of a year or more, the intensity of grief may diminish. As hard as it may seem, people throughout history have found ways to adjust to life without the person they love and have lost. Working through the process of grief can be long and difficult, but there are things you can do to help yourself heal.

Strategies for coping with loss. Just as each individual's experience of grief is unique, coping strategies work differently for each person. It may help to try what you have done in the past to cope with difficult situations and apply similar strategies.

Allow yourself to experience the pain of loss. As much as it hurts, it is natural and normal to grieve. Sometimes people think they should "get over it" and may actually feel guilty for the way they feel. Please give yourself permission to grieve. Allow yourself to fully feel all of the emotions of grief, including difficult emotions such as anger, guilt, or frustration. Don't judge yourself for experiencing emotions that seem inappropriate. Talk about your feelings and let yourself react as you need to, even if it means crying or screaming. Some people find it helpful to set aside a private time every day to think about their loved one and experience the emotions that arise. This can be especially helpful for those who have difficulty expressing their emotions in front of others.

Talk about your loss. Talking about your loss and sadness may help you release your feelings and your pain. Let people know how important it is for you to be able to share your feelings. Reassure family and friends that you don’t expect them to have answers—you just need them to listen.

Express yourself. Perhaps you can experiment with other ways of expressing yourself through a creative outlet you enjoy, such as music or art. You may also want to try writing in a journal or a diary. You can write down your thoughts and feelings and record memories and keep mementos, such as pictures and letters. Over time, looking back through your journal can help you become more comfortable with the progress of your own grief.

Find something active to do. Find a physical outlet for your feelings, such as walking or riding a bicycle. Hitting a punching bag or going to the batting cage or driving range may help release difficult emotions, such as frustration or anger.

Give yourself a break from grieving. Taking some time to enjoy the company of friends or pleasurable activities is important as well. It is important to help you regain your courage and strength and does not minimize your suffering. Going to dinner with friends or relaxing in a bath can provide a distraction and a break from grieving. Keep seeing supportive family and friends who you enjoyed spending time with before your loss. Remember that it is good for you to enjoy yourself and that it is okay for you to laugh and feel happy.

Maintain a routine. Maintaining a basic routine of familiar daily activities can help you structure your time and keep you connected to familiar people and places. When you feel ready, return to activities you enjoyed before your loss. Some people find starting new activities or hobbies to be helpful. If possible, avoid making major decisions, such as changing jobs or moving within the first year of bereavement. This will help maintain your roots and sense of security, as well as minimize additional stresses.

Forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for the things you did or said to your loved one that you regret, as well as the things you didn't get to say or do. Letting go of regrets and the pain associated with them will free you to hold on to good memories.

Be patient. Allow your grief to progress at the pace that is natural for you. Don't judge or criticize yourself for not coping as well or for not healing as quickly as you think you should. Each person needs to grieve in ways that feel right to him or her.

Take care of yourself. Grieving is emotionally and physically exhausting, and it is important that you take care of yourself. Treat yourself well.

Join a support group for bereaved individuals. Support groups offer you the chance to talk with others who share your feelings and experiences. Group members can offer encouragement, comfort, guidance, and even practical suggestions, as well as help reassure you that your experiences are normal. You may want to join a general bereavement support group or a group that is more specific to your situation, such as a group for bereaved spouses or for those who have lost a loved one to cancer.

When additional help might be needed

Grief counseling

Most of the support that people receive after a loss comes from family and friends. Some people feel they need more help coping with their grief. Grief counseling helps people work through the process of grief. This can be accomplished in a one-on-one setting or through group work.

Grief therapy

Grief therapy is for people who are having more serious or complicated grief reactions, referred to as complicated grief. Individuals experiencing complicated grief are often not able to work through or resolve their grief without help. Complicated grief reactions usually fall into one of four types:

Exaggerated grief, in which grief reactions are extreme and overwhelming and may worsen over time
Chronic grief, in which feelings of intense grief continue indefinitely and do not improve over time
Masked grief, in which the individual who is grieving may not appear to react to his or her loss, but instead experiences other reactions, such as illness or aggressive behavior
Delayed grief, in which grief reactions do not occur at the time of the loss, but may be triggered months or years later by another loss or other distressing experience

The goals of grief therapy are to help individuals understand why they are having such a difficult time coping with their loss and identify conflicts that are preventing them from resolving their grief. Mental health professionals, in an individual or group setting, deliver grief therapy and a contract is set up that outlines the goals, time limit, and fees involved.

Because each individual grieves differently, there is no standard set of "abnormal" grief reactions that would automatically identify you as needing grief therapy. However, there are some signs to look for that may indicate that you need additional help coping with your grief. These signs include ongoing difficulty eating or sleeping well, not being able to work or complete regular daily activities six months after your loss, not being able to take care of yourself, feelings of worthlessness (when people feel undeserving of being alive), or thoughts of suicide.

Finding help

To locate a grief counselor or therapist, or a support group, check with members of the health-care team, a local hospital or cancer treatment center, a community hospice service, or your local chapter of the American Cancer Society. You can also consider checking with your health insurance company or an Employee Assistance Program at work.

Additional resources

National Cancer Institute (NCI): Loss, Grief, and Bereavement (PDQ®)
(PDQ stands for Physician Data Query)

American Cancer Society: Coping With a Loss and Major Depression and Complicated Grief

Hospice Net: A Guide to Grief and What Do We Need During Grief?

Lance Armstrong Foundation: Grief and Loss

American College of Physicians: Home Care Guide for Advanced Cancer—Grieving

MayoClinic.com: After a Loss or Tragedy—Coping with the Reminders

More Information

Mental Health and Cancer

Cancer.Net Feature: How to Find a Counselor